


I'm afraid that you just love my disguise.

by drywitticisms



Category: Lovecraft Country (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Femslash, Gentle Kissing, Girls Kissing, Implied/Referenced Family Neglect, Requited Love, emotional validation, post-episode 1x09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:48:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26982421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drywitticisms/pseuds/drywitticisms
Summary: After Christina and Ruby work through Ruby's distrust and suspicion, Ruby is exhausted with the rigmarole and finally acknowledges the elephant in the room. Or the one where Ruby finally asks Christina why she needs Willaim to be with her.Set directly after the events of Episode 1x09, "Rewind 1921."
Relationships: Christina Braithwhite/Ruby Baptiste, Ruby Baptiste/Christina Braithwhite
Comments: 7
Kudos: 119





	I'm afraid that you just love my disguise.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back. How is everyone doing after this last episode? I hope everyone is doing great. I decided to do something different this time. This is from Christina's POV, which is new for me. At least from this perspective, that is. Her voice may _not_ be canon compliant at all, so you've been warned.
> 
> The title and lyrics in the text come from Janelle Monáe's "Don't Judge Me."

_“Even though you tell me you love me, I'm afraid that you just love my disguise."_

Smooth, dark brown skin encasing lush curves was the star of her dreams these days.

Most of the time, she never really dreamed of anything. Growing up the way she did, sleep was just that, _sleep_. It was a human necessity that drove a wedge between ambition and dedication.

Christina found that she quite enjoyed dreaming much more now that she knew she would be swept away into La La Land where she would meet the literal woman of her dreams.

In every dream, her mind would gently place her consciousness in the comfortable cocoon of Ruby’s presence.

It was difficult for her to express her feelings, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have any.

She felt things, maybe _too_ much for her liking. 

Her feelings for Ruby were overflowing, but her dreams were the vehicle in which she used to act on those feelings.

She acted on her arousal, attraction, and sexual feelings through William, so there was never a need for her to find an outlet for those.

That was simple and easy.

But the love she felt was too massive and too intimidating for her to act on them in her real body.

She was frightened that Ruby would run if she knew the gravity of her feelings. 

The fact of the matter is that Christina often wondered if Ruby only liked 'William' and not her.

She knew she wasn't as outwardly affectionate as her William counterpart, but she still believed that Ruby felt something for her deep down inside. 

She **had** to.

****

****

Why else would she stick around for this long?

Why would she sleep in their bed every night?

Christina found that her thoughts were often occupied with Ruby and her feelings. She was so close to achieving immortality. 

She was so close that she could **taste** it.

And yet, she couldn’t stop thinking about dark brown eyes, delectably ample breasts, and plump lips. 

It often pained her to hold back. She wanted to touch Ruby, to caress her smooth, blemish-free skin and kiss every spot she touched.

She wondered how Ruby would react. Would she pull away out of disgust? Or would she lean into it eagerly?

Christina had set a precedent that she didn’t know how to change. She’d gotten Ruby accustomed to the touch and kiss of William, and the other woman had grown to expect to be ravaged by William at random. 

But besides that, Christina didn't expect to fall for Ruby.

She had a goal in mind and she was dead-set on fulfilling that goal, but then she really got to know Ruby and all those thoughts flew right out of the window.

Ruby was the wild card. 

Christina didn’t lie when she said she saw the magic in Ruby - the magic in her calloused fingers from playing guitar, the magic in her voice as she sung a beautiful melody, and the magic in her body when pleasure overtook her body as Christina made her see the Heavens. 

“Did you mean it when you said you came to Hippolyta’s for me?” She asked breaking Christina out of her thoughts. 

Christina smiled to herself before schooling her features into a blank expression before turning around to face the woman at the front of her mind. She was a professional at controlling her facial expressions. 

She had to hide what she felt most times, but she knew that Ruby often didn’t appreciate it. But if only she knew why, then she would understand.

“Of course I did. Everything that I’ve told you has been the truth, Ruby.” Christina said. “Why? You don’t believe me?”

“I do, but … I just never know with you. My sister may be lovesick over some guy she shouldn’t be, but there could be some truth in her words.”

“I have no desire to help Tic at all, but I went there because you asked me to.” Christina said closing the gap between them. "I would think that would answer whatever question you're not asking."

It seemed that her best chance of getting through to Ruby was to get close enough to her for her to see the truth in her blue eyes. She knew she wasn’t playing fair, but it was also selfish on her part because she liked to be reminded of the effect she had on Ruby.

She wanted to see the flush rise in her cheeks and her breath become labored. Even though Christina was unsure about Ruby’s feelings for her, she still liked to stroke her own ego by seeing how much their closeness could affect Ruby.

There were times like earlier that she would think that Ruby was just as taken with her as she was with her, but then she would say something and Christina would end up confused as ever.

She knew it wasn’t entirely the fault of Ruby that she was confined to this strange mental limbo that constantly tortured her at every turn. It was her own fault too, because she never truly gave Ruby the green light to approach her in that way. 

Even when she was William, she still made the first move. 

“So, you’re telling me that you would do _anything_ I asked of you?” Ruby asked huskily.

“Anything.” 

“If I asked you to kiss me right now, would you?”

Christina’s eyes widened in alarm as she broke eye contact with Ruby. Her eyes darted around the room unable to fully make contact with Ruby’s dark gaze again. She wasn’t expecting that, and she wasn’t sure if she could even deliver on such a request.

Christina wasn’t inexperienced by any stretch of the imagination, but kissing pretty girls didn’t rank high on the list of things she’s done.

But then again, she hasn’t done that much so it was a pretty short list to begin with. 

She **wanted** to kiss Ruby. She wanted to feel the softness of those full lips with her own lips and not William’s, but she didn’t know if she should fulfill the request. She didn’t think she could make it good for Ruby. 

Her own body was awkward enough as is in those types of scenarios, and she just knew it would be way more awkward than sexy and seductive like it was when she was William.

“I … I didn’t know you wanted to?” 

“Why _wouldn’t_ I want to kiss the person that’s been rocking my world this whole time?” Ruby asked reaching up and gently nudging Christina’s chin up with the back of her knuckle.

Christina finally looked into Ruby’s eyes and she could feel her guard coming down. There was just something about Ruby that made her soft in a way that she didn’t like.

Every time Ruby showed her even a little bit of kindness, Christina wanted to melt into a pile of goo into the floor.

“Are you sure it’s **me** you want to kiss?”

“Who else would I want to kiss?” Ruby lowly asked caressing the dimple in her chin looking between both of her eyes.

Christina felt the warmth expand throughout her body as she warred with sudden anxiety and lust. Ruby often said things like that rendering her useless and it’s all she’s ever wanted to hear from someone. And not just from _anyone_ , but from Ruby.

“William.”

“But you are William.” 

“Not really. It’s his body, but-”

“But it’s still you, so why do I have to wait until you take the potion to have you?” 

“I didn’t know you wanted me.” Christina squeaked out as Ruby’s breasts were now pressed against her own chest.

“William’s body is different, yes. But everything else that makes him the man he is is **you** , so of course I want to kiss the person who's said all these nice things to me.” Ruby explained.

“I want you. You don’t know how much I want you, how much I dream of you.” Christina said vehemently, “Which means you don’t know how much it would **crush** me if you kissed me and you find out that it’s not what you want. That _I’m_ not what you want.”

“I’m confused.”

“Try being me. I know what it feels like to kiss you in his body, but I don’t know what it’s like to kiss you as me. And I know you think it’s what you want, but what if you’re wrong?”

“And what if _you’re_ wrong?” Ruby shot back with a raised brow.

Christina said nothing as she realized how quickly Ruby was able to turn it around back on her. This is what made her fall for Ruby in the first place - the fact that she wouldn’t be swayed from getting what she **knew** she deserved.

Christina didn’t think too highly of herself in that way, but she wasn’t going to deny Ruby anything she asked. And if she wanted her, then she would do her best to give herself to Ruby.

She’s already given herself over to Ruby a million times over, but never in her own body.

She knew she wasn’t being fair to Ruby when she kept denying her the chance to be with the person whose words made her heart flutter.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Ruby asked expectantly.

“You can kiss me.”

Christina watched as Ruby’s eyes darted over every inch of her face seemingly searching for something. It didn’t help to soothe her nerves; things were so quiet that you could hear a pin drop.

She wondered if Ruby had changed her mind until Ruby suddenly reached up with both of her hands towards her face.

Christina released the breath she was holding as she watched Ruby’s face inch closer to hers.

Before she knew it, Ruby’s full lips had made full contact. Ruby's hands loosely bracketed her sharpened jaw. Closing her eyes with her hands stiffly laying at her sides, she opened her mouth and kissed Ruby back. The minute their lips touched, Christina felt the spark. The fireworks exploding behind her eyes were a normal mainstay for her whenever she kissed Ruby.

But this felt different somehow. Allowing Ruby to take the lead with the kiss, Christina let every fear and insecurity fall away. She was taken away by the kiss, and she wanted nothing more than to keep going but Ruby had other ideas.

Ruby abruptly broke the kiss causing a weird pang to shoot through her body. 

Christina’s eyes were planted on the floor as soon as she felt Ruby take a step back from her. It was almost instantaneous - the feelings of insecurity and the feelings of not being good enough.

Her own father didn’t want her, so why would anyone else? She was too different, too sheltered, too cold. 

Before her brain could completely spiral out of control, she heard Ruby speak.

“It was just like I knew it would be.”

“And what way is that?” Christina said forcing her eyes back up to Ruby’s open but happy face.

“You made my toes curl. I want to do it again. Com’ere.” Ruby said sticking an arm out to wrap around Christina’s slim waist pulling her body closer to hers.

Christina barely had a chance to speak before Ruby’s lips were planted on her mouth again. Moaning into the kiss, she found that she didn’t mind Ruby taking control of the kiss.

She was more awkward in her own body, so it would have been a disaster had Ruby expected her to step up in a William-esque way.

“You can touch me.” Ruby breathlessly whispered against her lips gently nibbling at them in the process.

Christina didn’t know what to do with that request as she didn’t know what part of her body was safe to touch. She’s touched every inch of Ruby’s body, both clothed and naked, yet here she was second guessing what she was allowed to touch. Ruby had just given her permission, yet she was still wary.

Gingerly, Christina placed her hands on Ruby’s waist.

“That’s new. I didn’t think that’s where you wanted to touch me.”

“I want to touch you everywhere, but I’m scared.” Christina whispered in Ruby’s mouth.

“Of what?”

“I don’t want to do something that makes you realize that you actually don’t want me.”

It was as if a record had been scratched in the middle of a good song playing because Ruby’s actions had abruptly halted.

Ruby hesitantly pulled her lips from Christina’s and took a step back to stare at her in a puzzled manner.

“That’s the second time you’ve said something like that.”

“I know you want William, Ruby. It’s no secret.”

"Excuse me?"

“It's William you truly desire, and that’s fine. I'm just the placeholder. I seduced you using his body so it makes perfect sense that you prefer him. But I can never tell if you want me just as much as you want him, and it paralyzes me.”

Ruby stared at her without saying a word for a minute causing Christina to wonder if she’d said something wrong. She had had a lot of firsts in the past month and a half, and she didn’t know how to do this. She didn't know how to have this kind of conversation, and it was a foreign concept to her.

“Did you know that when I told Leti that I was staying on the North Side, she automatically assumed I was staying with a white man?”

“What -? No, I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, she thought I was staying with a white man. Since I was angry with you and _hurt_ and confused because you lied to me, I didn't know how to explain what we had because I didn't know if we even still had it or not. So when I told her that I knew everything about magic and about what happened in Ardham, she asked if it was because of the white man I was staying with. I told her ‘no.’ I told her the only way I knew was because of you. I told her that you were a man sometimes because I didn't want her thinking I had a boyfriend when I really didn't. I basically told my sister I was shacking up with you, living in sin, and it was the easiest thing I've ever done.” Ruby explained.

Christina simply stared at her unsure of what to make of what she was being told in the moment. Since she had no clue as to what was happening, she remained quiet hoping that Ruby would put her out of her misery.

“And when Dee was cursed and I needed your help, I told them that you would do it for me. I didn’t mince words or dance around the truth. I told the truth plainly, and the truth is that my lover knows how to use magic and she can use it to save Dee but the only reason why she'd do it is for me. If I call her, she will come because I need her to and because I can count on her to come through for me.” Ruby said, “I defended you to my sister, of all people, when she tried to tell me that you couldn’t be trusted. I went against my family to ensure that they knew how serious I am about you. I have **never** been shy about telling the people who matter that you’re mine. Because that’s what you are - you’re mine and I am yours.”

Christina was stunned.

She didn’t know what to say, because she wasn’t expecting Ruby to say anything like this. Ruby had just told her that she didn’t hide the fact that they were together, in a relationship. Christina was so used to hiding such thoughts to herself; she couldn't fathom telling anyone of the thoughts she had when she would catch a glimpse of a pretty girl who would brightly smile at her and how it made her heart race. Yet, Ruby told her family and friends and she didn't seem bothered by doing so.

If Ruby could tell the people closest to her that they were together, there was no reason for Christina to doubt Ruby’s feelings. There was no reason for her to wonder if the only reason Ruby was with her was so she could have access to William. Ruby was all in when it came to her, and she'd proven it.

To everyone who knew them, they were a pair. Albeit, a strange romantic pair. But a pair nonetheless and Christina felt overwhelmingly emotional about it. She was touched that Ruby felt so fiercely and so undoubtedly about them and their future together that she willingly confessed to their love affair.

“I’m yours?” She questioned incredulously.

“I thought you already knew this. As you put it before, it's no secret. Don’t you **want** to be mine?”

“Of course! I just- I wasn’t sure if you felt the same way I did, and do." Christina said correcting herself, "The same way I **do**.”

“And how do you feel?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Seeing you, meeting you, was another one of the firsts that I hadn't experienced yet. Another first that makes me feel human. You're special and being with you makes me feel light. I have never felt lightness like that in my entire life. It’s like the sun came up and I was finally getting to see it for the first time. Meeting you was the equivalent of feeling the warmth on my skin from the sun for the first time.”

Her father sheltered her so much that Christina didn't know an existence of lightness. She only knew a prison of unrealistically high expectations and unwarranted disappointment. 

Nothing she did was ever right, so to be with someone who didn't do any of that was like waking up for the first time after being asleep for many years. 

“You felt _light_?”

“Free. Calm. Relaxed. I feel free when I’m with you, like I can do anything.”

Ruby smiled at her, “Who knew a skinny white girl could be smooth like this? I never know what to expect from you. You sure are full of surprises, Miss Braithwhite.”

Before she could hide it, she felt a blush rise in her cheeks.

"Oh my God! I've never seen you blush before. Are you growing soft on me?"

"I've always been soft for you." Christina murmured. 

Ruby's mouth opened minutely before Christina watched her swallow. 

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Christina asked walking back into Ruby's space. "Are you sure _I'm_ what you want? I need you to be certain."

"Yes. If it wasn't what I wanted, I would be gone. I don't express my love half-heartedly. That's not who I am ." She breathlessly sighed before leaning over and gently kissing her lips again.

By now, Christina felt brave enough to touch her again, to really touch her. Reaching up to cup the back of Ruby's head, Christina deepened the kiss sucking her lover's lips into her mouth. Massaging her tongue with Ruby's, she allowed herself to be swept away by the ocean of want and desire. 

Stopping their kiss, Christina didn't want to part from the sweetness of Ruby's lips but she needed to say something before she lost her nerve.

"From the time I knew what I wanted to achieve, I had the basics all thought out and outlined. During that time, I didn't allow myself the opportunity to want anything else aside from my immortality. But when I met you, I knew you were the only thing I would ever want again. I want immortality but I want you too. Those are the things that are important to me."

"Oh, yeah? That's good. Now, shut up and kiss me."

Christina obeyed.

Christina was certain of how she felt. She couldn't deny the fact it did sting to hear Ruby have doubts about her. But again, she couldn't fault her for listening to her natural instinct - the same natural instinct that kept her alive all this time and the same natural instinct that knew when someone was hustling her due to her own tragic experiences with her mother.

But those natural instincts solidified the fact in Christina's mind that Ruby was the one. She was the perfect one to have by her side when she ascended to the top of the food chain, to the top of the magical hierarchy. She would achieve her power, and she would do it with Ruby by her side.

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? I know this has been an issue that's been floating around the fandom, both with us and casual watchers, for quite some time. Everyone is divided, but this one-shot should tell you **exactly** where I stand. Initially, I wasn't going to touch this with a ten foot pole but those talks have started back up again so here we are. I could be way off-base in regards to lots of things in this piece. I took creative license with her background but I don't think I'm that far off in regards to her father's treatment of her. 
> 
> As for next week's episode, we'll see how things go. Stakes are high and there are so many things that could happen but let's just wait and see without tying ourselves in knots over it. Just enjoy it until otherwise, yeah?


End file.
